So, youíve passed over the threshold of being over the hill; youíre officially an ďold personĒ now. And itís everything everyone ever promised you it would be, isnít it? You can never remember where you put anything, your back creaks when you walk, and you have an inexplicable urge to yell at kids to get off your lawn, even when there are no kids on it. But all these aches and pains and psychological oddities are worth it, because all the years have gotten you to the point where you can literally wipe your ass with hundred dollar bills.
... Whatís that? You canít? Well, it must be because you just didnít work hard enough. Certainly couldnít be anything to do with the past few decadesí stock market crashes, collapsing housing markets, politiciansí questionable economic policies, or anything like that... Nope. Itís definitely all your own fault that you donít get to enjoy the fabulous riches that are every truly hard-working capitalist citizenís reward when they reach retirement age.
Well, we sure do feel sorry for you, but we canít exactly fix your unexpected lack of ass-wiping Benjamins for you. That would be a handout, after all, which is not going to help teach you to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps for the remaining portion of your life. But, tell you what weíll do instead: weíll sell you a roll of Money Toilet Paper. This toilet paper has fairly detailed images of hundred dollar bills printed on it, so youíll get as close to that coveted capitalist experience as you can. And who knows, maybe itíll motivate your children or grandchildren to work hard enough so that they can wipe their asses with real hundreds instead of this (admittedly high-quality) reproduction.
One regular-sized roll of toilet paper.